Tuesday, November 13, 2012

The "W" Word

You know that word? The one that follows people in TV commercials, attached to their ankle by a chain to a scale? The one that floods the internet because there is simply no easy way to get rid of it? The one that clings to you as you fall asleep, knowing that tomorrow will come and it'll be the same thing on rewind? Yeah, that's right: "Weight"...

It's back, and I want it gone. 

This was me about a year ago when I arrived in England and studied in a 15th century castle. A summer's worth of kayaking, swimming and running had done the trick in keeping in shape...but it wasn't enough,

(References to England happen...a lot. If you're curious about these, I've attached articles I wrote for a magazine chronicling my time there at the end of this post. Feel free to flip through them! If you have any questions, leave a comment and I'd be more than happy to answer!) 

The castle was breathtaking. The food, however, was cringe-worthy. Homesick and stressed, I exercised and lived off of dried fruits, fresh fruits, vegetables and cereal. I was miserable, and a bit of an emotional mess. When I flew back home for Christmas and weighed myself, I was 145 pounds. I had never "looked so good" or weighed so little in my life. I was ecstatic, but the joy only lasted up until I took a bite of my first, delicious family meal in months.

Desperation: How would I keep the weight off if I ate? 
The answer: I would exercise more. 

So I did, but things got a little out of hand. I ate too much, I justcouldn't stop. After a while, I gave up: I would go back to the castle after Christmas, and starve myself. Seems easy, right? Wrong. If there's something I learnt, it's don't, don't, binge thinking you'll "just not eat" the day, or week, or whatever after. It never turns out that way (or maybe it does for you, just not me)...and the weight is crazy hard to get off.

So Christmas came and ended, I went back to England, but didn't lose the weight. My roommate told my friend, "She doesn't cry anymore, she just eats," and that was basically it. Overall, I was much happier. Somehow, though, I don't feel "happier" and "fatter" should have to have anything to do with each other.

I exercised, but the weight didn't come off. It couldn't, not when I was emotionally eating. Traveling to Belgium and Switzerland for two weeks before flying back home was just the cherry on top in feeling like I wanted to crawl out of my skin. So when I finally got home and saw the new, horrible numbers on the scale, I wanted to die.

Dying is not an option. So I did what I was best at: I went on a diet. I gave myself one month to lose as much weight as I could. I wrote down every single thing I ate, cut proportions and did three days of intense exercise, one day off, and on and on and on. And I lost 15 pounds.

So why am I here now, wanting to lose yet more weight? Because I'm not happy, because the emotional eating was a roller coaster on and off throughout the my summer's entirety, and I'm sick of those awful numbers staring back at me on the scale. I just want them to go away.

I just want to finally find something that works for me, that won't fall apart and make it that much harder to get back up again. So, for the past three weeks, I've started over, and it's been going well. My friend and I have been going to the gym six days a week and I eat healthy.But it's so hard when the numbers don't change. And the hardest part is trying to just be happy with it; be happy with "doing my best" when there is always "better".

Have you ever gone on a diet? If so, how did you do it after, when you're at that perfect weight and you shouldn't have to diet but you can't just go back to how it was before? How do you know when enough is enough, and finally learn to ignore the numbers on the scale and just be yourself?

So many questions...and it's far from easy, but I think I'm finally figuring it out. :)

On a side (and completely unrelated) note, my friend sent me this video. It kind of made my day:

What do you think? ;)

If you're curious to know more...

Feel free to flip through these articles I wrote for Backpack Magazine, the "Letters Home" feature near the end of each issue!

September/October (p.36)
November / December (p.35)
January / February (p.35)
March / April (p.37)
May / June (p.37)
July / August (p.37)


  1. ...what. you have a blog now. /mind reeling
    whyyyy is it so well written? you suckkkk xD

    loveee the bg btw, fancy designer girl ;P

    as for the weight thing... honestly i think you know i obsess about that too. blahhh. i have no answers. basically i just exercise, try not to eat too much, and hope for the best.

    oh, and drink lots of tea ;)

    1. Hahaha, looks like I do :) And shush, yours is amazing.

      Thank you! It's Instagram...changing lives since 2010, you know.

      Weight is...ugh, weight - heavy. :P But yes, so much tea love ♥ Thanks for the advice!

  2. Unfortunately, perception distorts one's vision so much that we don't really see a reflection of what is true looking back at us. You looked great when you headed back to England after your Christmas break, in fact, so much better than when you arrived. And, the numbers should be going up if you are exercising, not down. Muscles weigh more! I read on a nutritional site that it takes approximately six weeks for you to see a change in your own body due to healthy (important word - healthy)change in lifestyle, and twelve or more weeks for others close to you to begin to see a significant change.
    With unhealthy choices results come much faster, but the side effects can be so harmful - changing your thinking patterns and ability, as well as damaging your body permanently.

    1. Yeah, that's completely true! It's hard to remember, but definitely something to keep in mind.

      It's just so hard to change your thinking patterns when it feels like you're deluding yourself...That's the hardest part, I think.

      Thanks for the comment :)