Showing posts with label change. Show all posts
Showing posts with label change. Show all posts

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Doin' it in Style


I live in a house of seven girls. We all went to England, somehow became friends, somehow ended up signing a lease and moving in together in a new town for this university year. It's one of those things that, looking back, you could never have seen coming...and it's been a crazy, we're-all-humans-here-so-let's-not-kill-each-other, amazing year.

However, there comes a point when (as you're scrubbing the mountain of dishes that somehow manages to accumulate every.single.day because it's "your job") you ask the "what if?". What if things were different?..."What next?" comes pretty quickly after this. And that's how my house split into three groups. How my housemate (Meg) and I decided that, based on low-iron tendencies to eat the same foods, we should totally get an apartment together.

(Food is the true stuff of friendship, peoples. Whoever said the opposite couldn't have been drunk and must have been lying). 

Sending out inquiries for apartments on Kijiji is like throwing a message in a bottle into the ocean: you're not sure where it's going, and more often than not you never see it again. But after a few days, something beautiful happened...we started getting responses.

And so began Meg and I's Quest for an Apartment.

Certified Apartment Hunters


I ended up going to the first apartment showing alone. The tree cracking through the parking lot, looking very much like the one from Harry Potter that ate people, I turned around and beheld the "gem" before me: A tiny apartment, obscurely nestled next to an addition somehow connected to a mini-mart on top of which a balcony had been attached, barbecue precariously balancing on the edge.

"Possible tanning spot?" I pointed out to the other freezing Apartment Hunters outside. They all agreed.

Andddd that was about the first and last pro of that place. Unless you're into yellow-spotted ceilings, flooding bathroom floors and closet-sized living space...then SNATCH THAT GEM!

Let this be a lesson to you, dear reader: Streetview on Google maps does not lie. I learnt this after making the same mistake twice, dismissing the next apartment Meg and I went to view as "the wrong address" when it was clearly on top of the Chinese food restaurant with the beer store's "open" sign sparkling from the living room window.

Gosh, watta view. Heart-melting and all.

"Maybe they give food discounts?" Meg pointed out. The possibility weighed heavily on our shoulders as we left for the next viewing, just two blocks down the street. 

Now THIS ONE was a true gem.

Though I admired one of the tenant's attempts at sound-proofing his room with egg cartons ("You go, man." *thumbs up* ), the fact was that the third apartment we viewed wouldn't cut it. And I was also fairly certain something was hiding in the wall on the other side of that cardboard.

Having a Brownie living in my house had sounded like a pretty cool idea as a child...the thought of having one now was not.

(PS. If you don't know what a Brownie is, I suggest catching up on your fairy lore and looking it up - you are missing out. Also, they're a fantastic excuse answer to life's problems: "No, it is not my fault that so-and-so went missing, it's the Brownie's!...." No one can argue it. No one.) 

I looked at Meg, trying hard to stifle a nervous giggle. It is a problem when the bathtub is less tub than cement-that's-cracking, and another Apartment Hunter asks how bad the humidity is in the summer (forget air-conditioning ever existed - it does not) as he digs his toes into the already green, mushy carpet.

"It's pretty bad," the landlord admitted. (← THIS IS NOT A GOOD SIGN) .

Soooo...that was a no.

(Notice the pictures to the right of Egg-Carton Guy's? This is what happens when you can't afford rent - you start building pillow forts in your friends' living room and see how long you can steal their cable). 

The problem about apartment hunting in January is that most buildings (where the non-student populace lives) don't know whether or not they'll have vacancies until March. This left Meg and I in a precarious position: settle on one of these "apartment gems" or wait...So when I got a response to a message in a bottle I'd been sure the sea had swallowed as a side-dish, I set up a viewing with Anonymous and hoped for the best.


"The Best" is exactly what it turned out to be.

We walked in, took one look around, looked at each other, and said: "We'll take it." It was that simple; uncomplicated, and perfect. All the points on our list of Apartment Qualifications could be checked off:

- Everything was clean (the saying that girl tenants are "worse than guys" is the biggest untruth of life - at least they don't take pride in CULTIVATING MOULDY BREAD on their floor). 
- It's just a walk away from campus, 1 minute away from our favorite night spots (no more taxis!) and friends' places.
- It's affordable.
- The coin laundry building is right next to it.
- They were OK with Meg's Bearded Dragon lizard (as long as it stayed "in the tank").

My mother, between phone calls in which I managed the down-payment with my dad and she inserted "that this was a scam" because "that's what happened to so-and-so in Montreal, and...well, look at them now!" (don't you love references from I-don't-know-how-many years ago?), said that I would surely die (if not contract some terrible ailment) from the fumes wafting up to my apartment...But I'm willing to risk it.

(She also didn't approve of the fact that this was above a pawn shop...to which I pointed out that it was actually far enough in the back that we may as well have been on another building altogether.)

Though my mother remains unconvinced that this is actually a step toward my brilliant future, that's OK.  Because it's paid for, my dad's laughing at the whole situation, my sister approves because it means downtown shopping, I don't have to become best friends with mould, and, well....Meg and I have a place!

So here's to moving in May 1st, bearded-dragon and all! :)



Thursday, December 27, 2012

Let's Make It Better

A number: 2012 

...you wouldn't think turning that last digit into a 3 would make that much of a difference, but it does. It's about those thoughts that kept you awake 'till there was no point in sleeping, about those memories that burned so bright you're scared you'll never get that again, the lessons that made you build and break...and, finally, how to make it better.

Better is a funny word, though. It implies actually knowing what "better" means...and finding out how to make it fit around your life without losing the imperfections that make it beautiful. Or, you know, just stopping yourself from sticking a big fat "I NEVER CARED ANYWAY!" sticker on it before shoving it into a folder...preferably one you'll never have to look at when you pay the bills.

So, in an attempt to find that "better" and make resolutions that will build rather than break, I've put together a list of things that make me...happy. If life is a quest for happiness, then shouldn't those things that make you happiest be stepping stones to finding out what you want?

20 Things I Love & Counting...

1. Dancing: Crazy, stupid, I-don't-have-a-care-in-the-world, give me a hairbrush (do people even do that anymore? I saw it in Raise Your Voice a long time ago and tried it, but it just didn't seem right), drown-out-the-world but Oh, God! don't let anyone else see dancing. 
2. Smiling & Laughing: Two things, I know, but what's better than the first leading to the next? 
3. Shocking: Nothing mean, just unexpected. There's something beautiful about just doing what you want and acting all nonchalant when your friends and family don't expect it.
4. Listening to Music: My sister put me on the One Direction train this Christmas....Hated them, started loving them, never going back. 
5. Funny-Stupid Things That Make You Smile: For example, this song:



Listen to it. Now picture him singing this to a cupcake...
pretty cute, huh? Haven't been able to see it any other way since the day I read it in a comment. 
6. Conversations 'Till The AM: Simply the best. 
7. Writing Songs: I should probably add "About Past Relationships" (I blame Taylor Swift - Except I kind of love her, so don't be too harsh). 
8. Singing: In the shower, in the store when there's no one else shopping (because who buys vegetables at 8:00pm?), with a guitar, it's simply amazing. 
9. Breakfast at Midnight: My sister and I have this ritual of whenever I get back home, we have a midnight snack on the kitchen floor together....
Chairs are completely overrated. 
10. Popcorn at the Movies: Just...yeah, there are no words. 
11. Sleeping: Possibly the most amazing, overlooked thing. I love my bed. 
12. Sparkly Dresses: I was bought the moment my friend screamed at me to try one on because she "wanted to live through me" (a joke, of course - but needless to say, I was hooked). 
13. Listening and Talking: People have the craziest stories and I absolutely love hearing them. 
14. Sun-Bathing: Sunlight is beautiful - beautiful, and warm. (This love includes beaches). 
15. Halvah Bars: If you've never had one, try it - it's absolutely amazing. Like, worth-the-extra-5-pounds-in-luggage-weight going back to England amazing. 
16. Health: Anything health-related fascinates me. Simple as that. 
17. My Cottage: Summer or winter, it's my heaven. 
18. Family and Friends: Another combination, but they kind of all bundle up together. Moments mean little without those special people to share them. It's simple: I love them. 
19. Exercise: Running, especially, and core workouts (I will have abs some day!).
20. Writing: Being able to put something into words is the hardest but most rewarding challenge.


That was my list of "20 Things I Love & Counting"...what kind of things would be on yours? As the New Year rolls in, so will the resolutions accompanying it. I've had a fabulous, completely life-changing year...

Now here's to finding out how to make 2013 even better. 

Cheers!

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Breathe Out


Did you ever find yourself in a position, a situation, a moment, where you just didn't know what to say? You can feel it crackling in the air, a live thingthis is important, this has meaning!and yet when you reach out to touch it, it slips away. All that's left is the feeling that something precious was lost, even though you don't know what.

And then that moment's past, the person gone...and suddenly the words come.

These are the words written at 2:00AM, the ones I didn't know how to say, but can sing. It's one of those cases, when the person in mind is so simply sad and hopeless, a laugh escapes. It's not joyous, it's hollow. It's breathing out, when you can't even speak. It's caring about someone more than they do for themself...and  having to let go before you get burned, too.

So here's the song I wrote for the words I couldn't say, for people whose names will never be mentioned but that I hope, one day, might listen.


Breathe Out 
my original composition

Breathe out, 
these are the words I caught in the wind 
And I smile, as you cast your net 
and cut my paper wings. 

Once upon a time in a land far ago 
the cold city boy met the wood-bound princess. 
And they'd play in the forest 
'till the moon hung low.
...that was, oh, how many years ago?

Pre-Chorus 
And I won't be made guilty for 
decisions I have taken. 
(No)
The day you made yours, 
gave me no other option. 

Chorus 
When the concrete's warmer than the bed you're lying in,
too wound up to see the stop signs caving in; 
when the words won't come 
'cause they're the only ones worth saying. 
Breathe out, breathe out, breathe out, 
breathe out, breathe out, breathe out...
when I can't love you. 

It's called 
The mistakes we make on purpose 
for those who hurt us. 
Damaged, the boy reaches out for more
he always wants more, 'till the castle's burnt 
and they're the last two standing...
Good thing he never knew her 
heart was for the taking.

Pre-Chorus 
Chorus 

And it's hard to breathe out
when i see you
sinking, wasting, burning
in a fire too late to put out.
But what can I do when you
don't want to know you?
(and I thought I didn't know myself)
Look me in the eye,
tell me you're not high.
What can I do when I'm wanting to know you
and I'm reaching out, reaching out,
but you're not breathing out.

Chorus 

Breathe out,
these are the words I caught in the wind.
And I smile, as you cast your net,
and cut your paper wings...





I started writing this song in the summer, when something happened that came back up during recent events. It wasn't until today that I finished it. I apologize for the lack of visual in the video (the sound quality, too)I'll make a better one soonbut, for now, here it is! What do you think?

Do you have that song? The one that, feeling happy or low, you could just hand to those who ask "are you ok?"...and let it speak the words that you can't? 

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

The "W" Word

You know that word? The one that follows people in TV commercials, attached to their ankle by a chain to a scale? The one that floods the internet because there is simply no easy way to get rid of it? The one that clings to you as you fall asleep, knowing that tomorrow will come and it'll be the same thing on rewind? Yeah, that's right: "Weight"...

It's back, and I want it gone. 

This was me about a year ago when I arrived in England and studied in a 15th century castle. A summer's worth of kayaking, swimming and running had done the trick in keeping in shape...but it wasn't enough,

(References to England happen...a lot. If you're curious about these, I've attached articles I wrote for a magazine chronicling my time there at the end of this post. Feel free to flip through them! If you have any questions, leave a comment and I'd be more than happy to answer!) 



The castle was breathtaking. The food, however, was cringe-worthy. Homesick and stressed, I exercised and lived off of dried fruits, fresh fruits, vegetables and cereal. I was miserable, and a bit of an emotional mess. When I flew back home for Christmas and weighed myself, I was 145 pounds. I had never "looked so good" or weighed so little in my life. I was ecstatic, but the joy only lasted up until I took a bite of my first, delicious family meal in months.

Desperation: How would I keep the weight off if I ate? 
The answer: I would exercise more. 

So I did, but things got a little out of hand. I ate too much, I justcouldn't stop. After a while, I gave up: I would go back to the castle after Christmas, and starve myself. Seems easy, right? Wrong. If there's something I learnt, it's don't, don't, binge thinking you'll "just not eat" the day, or week, or whatever after. It never turns out that way (or maybe it does for you, just not me)...and the weight is crazy hard to get off.

So Christmas came and ended, I went back to England, but didn't lose the weight. My roommate told my friend, "She doesn't cry anymore, she just eats," and that was basically it. Overall, I was much happier. Somehow, though, I don't feel "happier" and "fatter" should have to have anything to do with each other.

I exercised, but the weight didn't come off. It couldn't, not when I was emotionally eating. Traveling to Belgium and Switzerland for two weeks before flying back home was just the cherry on top in feeling like I wanted to crawl out of my skin. So when I finally got home and saw the new, horrible numbers on the scale, I wanted to die.

Dying is not an option. So I did what I was best at: I went on a diet. I gave myself one month to lose as much weight as I could. I wrote down every single thing I ate, cut proportions and did three days of intense exercise, one day off, and on and on and on. And I lost 15 pounds.

So why am I here now, wanting to lose yet more weight? Because I'm not happy, because the emotional eating was a roller coaster on and off throughout the my summer's entirety, and I'm sick of those awful numbers staring back at me on the scale. I just want them to go away.

I just want to finally find something that works for me, that won't fall apart and make it that much harder to get back up again. So, for the past three weeks, I've started over, and it's been going well. My friend and I have been going to the gym six days a week and I eat healthy.But it's so hard when the numbers don't change. And the hardest part is trying to just be happy with it; be happy with "doing my best" when there is always "better".

Have you ever gone on a diet? If so, how did you do it after, when you're at that perfect weight and you shouldn't have to diet but you can't just go back to how it was before? How do you know when enough is enough, and finally learn to ignore the numbers on the scale and just be yourself?

So many questions...and it's far from easy, but I think I'm finally figuring it out. :)


On a side (and completely unrelated) note, my friend sent me this video. It kind of made my day:
http://m.collegehumor.com/video/6846855/gay-men-will-marry-your-girlfriends

What do you think? ;)


If you're curious to know more...


Feel free to flip through these articles I wrote for Backpack Magazine, the "Letters Home" feature near the end of each issue!

September/October (p.36)
http://virtual.recorder.ca/doc/Brockville-Recorder-and-Times/backpack-sept-oct-2011/2011081801/#36
November / December (p.35)
http://virtual.recorder.ca/doc/Brockville-Recorder-and-Times/backpack-nov-dec/2011102801/8.html#0
January / February (p.35)
http://virtual.recorder.ca/doc/Brockville-Recorder-and-Times/jan-feb_backpack2012/2012010601/#0
March / April (p.37)
http://virtual.recorder.ca/doc/Brockville-Recorder-and-Times/mar-aprbackpack/2012030701/#0
May / June (p.37)
http://virtual.recorder.ca/doc/Brockville-Recorder-and-Times/may_june-backpack-2012/2012051001/8.html#36
July / August (p.37)
http://virtual.recorder.ca/doc/Brockville-Recorder-and-Times/backpack-july-august-2012/2012072001/8.html#36