Let's Make It Better

A number: 2012 

...you wouldn't think turning that last digit into a 3 would make that much of a difference, but it does. It's about those thoughts that kept you awake 'till there was no point in sleeping, about those memories that burned so bright you're scared you'll never get that again, the lessons that made you build and break...and, finally, how to make it better.

Better is a funny word, though. It implies actually knowing what "better" means...and finding out how to make it fit around your life without losing the imperfections that make it beautiful. Or, you know, just stopping yourself from sticking a big fat "I NEVER CARED ANYWAY!" sticker on it before shoving it into a folder...preferably one you'll never have to look at when you pay the bills.

So, in an attempt to find that "better" and make resolutions that will build rather than break, I've put together a list of things that make me...happy. If life is a quest for happiness, then shouldn't those things that make you happiest be stepping stones to finding out what you want?

20 Things I Love & Counting...

1. Dancing: Crazy, stupid, I-don't-have-a-care-in-the-world, give me a hairbrush (do people even do that anymore? I saw it in Raise Your Voice a long time ago and tried it, but it just didn't seem right), drown-out-the-world but Oh, God! don't let anyone else see dancing. 

2. Smiling & Laughing: Two things, I know, but what's better than the first leading to the next? 

3. Shocking: Nothing mean, just unexpected. There's something beautiful about just doing what you want and acting all nonchalant when your friends and family don't expect it.

4. Listening to Music: My sister put me on the One Direction train this Christmas....Hated them, started loving them, never going back. 

5. Funny-Stupid Things That Make You Smile: For example, this song:

Listen to it. Now picture him singing this to a cupcake...
pretty cute, huh? Haven't been able to see it any other way since the day I read it in a comment. 

6. Conversations 'Till The AM: Simply the best. 

7. Writing Songs: I should probably add "About Past Relationships" (I blame Taylor Swift - Except I kind of love her, so don't be too harsh). 

8. Singing: In the shower, in the store when there's no one else shopping (because who buys vegetables at 8:00pm?), with a guitar, it's simply amazing. 

9. Breakfast at Midnight: My sister and I have this ritual of whenever I get back home, we have a midnight snack on the kitchen floor together....
Chairs are completely overrated. 

10. Popcorn at the Movies: Just...yeah, there are no words. 

11. Sleeping: Possibly the most amazing, overlooked thing. I love my bed. 

12. Sparkly Dresses: I was bought the moment my friend screamed at me to try one on because she "wanted to live through me" (a joke, of course - but needless to say, I was hooked). 

13. Listening and Talking: People have the craziest stories and I absolutely love hearing them. 

14. Sun-Bathing: Sunlight is beautiful - beautiful, and warm. (This love includes beaches). 

15. Halvah Bars: If you've never had one, try it - it's absolutely amazing. Like, worth-the-extra-5-pounds-in-luggage-weight going back to England amazing. 

16. Health: Anything health-related fascinates me. Simple as that. 

17. My Cottage: Summer or winter, it's my heaven. 

18. Family and Friends: Another combination, but they kind of all bundle up together. Moments mean little without those special people to share them. It's simple: I love them. 

19. Exercise: Running, especially, and core workouts (I will have abs some day!).
20. Writing: Being able to put something into words is the hardest but most rewarding challenge.

That was my list of "20 Things I Love & Counting"...what kind of things would be on yours? As the New Year rolls in, so will the resolutions accompanying it. I've had a fabulous, completely life-changing year...

Now here's to finding out how to make 2013 even better. 

Cheers!

Breathe Out

Did you ever find yourself in a position, a situation, a moment, where you just didn't know what to say? You can feel it crackling in the air, a live thing―this is important, this has meaning!―and yet when you reach out to touch it, it slips away. All that's left is the feeling that something precious was lost, even though you don't know what.

And then that moment's past, the person gone...and suddenly the words come.

These are the words written at 2:00AM, the ones I didn't know how to say, but can sing. It's one of those cases, when the person in mind is so simply sad and hopeless, a laugh escapes. It's not joyous, it's hollow. It's breathing out, when you can't even speak. It's caring about someone more than they do for themself...and  having to let go before you get burned, too.

So here's the song I wrote for the words I couldn't say, for people whose names will never be mentioned but that I hope, one day, might listen.

Breathe Out 

my original composition

Breathe out, 

these are the words I caught in the wind 

And I smile, as you cast your net 

and cut my paper wings. 

Once upon a time in a land far ago 

the cold city boy met the wood-bound princess. 

And they'd play in the forest 

'till the moon hung low.

...that was, oh, how many years ago?

Pre-Chorus 

And I won't be made guilty for 

decisions I have taken. 

(No)

The day you made yours, 

gave me no other option. 

Chorus 

When the concrete's warmer than the bed you're lying in,

too wound up to see the stop signs caving in; 

when the words won't come 

'cause they're the only ones worth saying. 

Breathe out, breathe out, breathe out, 

breathe out, breathe out, breathe out...

when I can't love you. 

It's called 

The mistakes we make on purpose 

for those who hurt us. 

Damaged, the boy reaches out for more

he always wants more, 'till the castle's burnt 

and they're the last two standing...

Good thing he never knew her 

heart was for the taking.

Pre-Chorus 

Chorus 

And it's hard to breathe out
when i see you

sinking, wasting, burning
in a fire too late to put out.
But what can I do when you
don't want to know you?
(and I thought I didn't know myself)
Look me in the eye,
tell me you're not high.
What can I do when I'm wanting to know you
and I'm reaching out, reaching out,
but you're not breathing out.

Chorus 

Breathe out,
these are the words I caught in the wind.
And I smile, as you cast your net,
and cut your paper wings...

I started writing this song in the summer, when something happened that came back up during recent events. It wasn't until today that I finished it. I apologize for the lack of visual in the video (the sound quality, too)—I'll make a better one soon—but, for now, here it is! What do you think?

Do you have that song? The one that, feeling happy or low, you could just hand to those who ask "are you ok?"...and let it speak the words that you can't? 

Jane Eyre Inspired

Sunday December 9, 2012: This blog (as you might have noticed from previous posts, all relating to English) was originally created as a project for my Grade 12 English class. Many old posts were deleted because they simply didn't "fit" with the new theme of the blog when, maybe a month ago, I decided to brush off the dust and build it back up again. I still, however, write poetry and so here's a poem that I wrote during this class after reading Charlotte Bronte's Jane Eyre)

Jane: "I am no bird; and no net ensnares me; I am a free human being, with an independent will; which I now exert to leave you.” 



Jane's Air

Shadows shudder and brush her body,
mingle with moonlight's gleam.
"Plain," Pretty's
whims whisper.
Yet there’s something in her air
that speaks to me.

Fire’s flames
bleed in blood, dance like dares in his eyes—
No matter how many axiom arrows fly
she’ll not be led by lies.
“Clever!” Cupid cries in shame:
“What’s a game with no heart to blame?”

Shadows shudder and brush her body,
mingle with moonlight's gleam.
"Plain," Pretty's
whims whisper…
Yet there’s something in Jane’s air
that means truth to me.